Do I HAVE to?

“I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!” Philippians 3:10-11

But what happens when I don’t want to suffer or share in His death? 

Since coming to Mexico, I have been fortunate to experience many opportunities that others may never attain: rafting down a powder-blue river in the jungle, visiting a tribute-castle to Surrealism art, being in a crowd so thick I had no control of when I went, experiencing life without water or electricity, trying so many new things it makes my head spin just thinking about it.  My life has been packed with adventure.  I do want to know Christ and follow His leading, and I do want to experience that mighty power that overtakes death—I’ve seen a glimpse and I desire more.  But I’m tired of suffering.  I’m losing sight of why I am here.  Every day is a constant struggle, and I feel that I am being pushed back and defeated.  If it isn’t the struggle of going without basic necessities like running water or electricity, it’s the struggle of loneliness, or battling with politics at work, or dealing with privileged students who don’t give a damn about listening or following directions or learning how to problem-solve—their money and family will take care of them!  Yes, I’ve met some neat people and experienced some fun adventures worth writing home about, but I’ve also been constantly bombarded with difficulties that seem too insurmountable to even attempt let alone conquer.

In Isaiah it talks about God sitting back and watching quietly from his place in Heaven while a battle rages and then He swoops in at the last minute and wins the day (18:4).  Much of our entertainment follows that same theme of waiting until the last moment and then good triumphs over evil and everyone lives happily ever after.  When watching those shows, I find myself skipping to the end mentally and thinking about how awesome everything will be, and I don’t pay attention to the trials the characters face to get to the end.  This is especially true with movies or shows I’ve seen before, like “Lord of the Rings”—I know that Frodo and Sam will survive the journey, Middle Earth will be saved, and Good will triumph over Evil.  I don’t think about the difficulties of the characters; I just enjoy the special effects and wait for the happy ending.  So why can’t the same be true in my life?  I’m trying to focus on the end goal of surviving this school year in Mexico, but I can’t get my mind past all of the difficulties that hound me day after day.  I know God is at work in my life, but I can’t help picturing Him sitting back in His comfy throne just quietly watching me struggle.  When is my Hero going to swoop down into action and save the day?

Every day I try to perk up my attitude by reading an encouraging word from God, and almost every day by the end of the day I feel defeated.

     O Lord, how long will you forget me?  Forever?

                    How long will you look the other way?
             How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
                    with sorrow in my heart every day?
                    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
             Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
                    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
             Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
                      Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.
             But I trust in your unfailing love.
                     I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
             I will sing to the Lord
                     because he is good to me.  Psalm 13