The Plan (B)

After my last post on Broken Dreams, some of you may be wondering what’s next.  To be honest, I am too!

In anticipation for my next step after Mexico, I spent many hours in conversation with God, friends and family.  All arrows seemed to be pointing towards moving back to Colorado and working at the same middle school I was at B.M. (Before Mexico—that’s right folks, this has been a major turning point in my life just as Christ’s death was for the world… although not quite to that scale!).  All I had to do was go through the formality of an interview and the job would be mine!  I started to get excited about the possibility of returning to my old life, dear friends, and something that was “known”.  All the while I kept in the back of my mind my parents words of encouragement, “What’s the worst that can happen?  You don’t get the job, come home to raise support, and go back to Kenya!”  I don’t think my parents realized that their encouragement was actually a prophecy.  So plan “A” was returning to a known life in Colorado, plan “B” was continuing on my journey of the unknown with a glimpse of Kenya in there somewhere.  After a decent phone interview and a week of waiting, God slammed the door to my plan “A”.  See, with us Kisers, God has to be firm in His directions.  If there is the slightest crack or doubt that an option has ended, we will figure out a way to shove a toe or finger to wedge back in.  Sure, I could have looked for another teaching job in Colorado, but if I couldn’t get a “guaranteed” job there, I think that’s a pretty good indication that’s not where God wants me.

Now that I’ve had some time to mourn with my Savior over yet another broken dream and ponder other options for my future, I’ve chosen a new path to continue my journey.  After devoting about eight years to teaching (training for and becoming a teacher), I’m taking a break from it.  A difficult decision to say the least, but I’m not quitting forever, just for a while.  My focus has become getting back to Kenya, but with more of a purpose than just holding babies (which I still plan to do!).  God revealed two specific needs at Instep Children’s Home while I was there in April:  1. The special needs kids need more attention and someone to work with them on basic skills, and 2. Many of the kids will at some point come to grips with their abandonment and/or abuse issues and need someone to talk with—currently, there is no on-sight counselor, and there are so many more kids than ears to listen to them.  While I am in no way an expert in either of these areas, I have a heart to help in them. 

After looking into possible Master’s in Christian Counseling Degrees, I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not have the resources to invest in something like that.  And as my mom says, “You don’t need a degree to talk to kids.”  My dad pointed me towards Larry Crabb, a man well known in the Christian sphere for counseling, and I’ve found what I want to do.  Dr. Crabb has four online courses entitled “SoulCare” that delve into the heart and mind of entering into authentic relationships with people to help point them to Christ.  There is also a week-long seminar that goes into more depth about what that looks like.  This is the kind of base-knowledge I think would be useful in Kenya at a fraction of the price of a Master’s Degree, plus I can complete all of these courses in a few months as opposed to a few years.  So my plan is simple:  1. Return home and live with my parents to cut down costs of living; 2. Obtain a full-time job wherever I can to earn as much money as possible while living at home; 3. Complete all four online classes while working full-time, get accepted into the week-long seminar and attend (minimum age is 30 years old, but with God’s help I just might be accepted anyways), and take a few courses in Special Education; 4. Network like crazy to find people who can help answer my questions and give me guidance when I’m in Kenya and have no answers; 5. Return to Kenya sometime after Christmas for as long as I can on the money I’ve earned.  I need to experience Kenya when it is not an escape from Mexico, and if I still feel like God is calling me on a more permanent basis in Kenya, I’ll return home to elicit sponsorship and help financially. 

Is this the right direction?  I’m not sure, but as my dad says, “God likes to steer a moving object.”

Broken Dreams

Mosaics contain broken pieces of other vessels to create breath-takingly beautiful pictures.  These pieces do not look like much individually, but in the hands of an artist they are joined to create a masterpiece, one that takes time and patience to perfect.  But where do these pieces come from?

In my life, I think God gets these pieces from broken dreams.  Whatever dreams I have constructed of various materials are not grand enough for the Master Artist’s conception; He must shatter them in order to use the pieces as He sees fit.  And to battle with the Artist over the pieces and try to put them back together how they were originally is pointless; not only will the dream be cracked and imperfect, it will be leaky and useless.  Oh, how I want to rush out and buy some super-glue in the hopes of fixing what I have held onto for so long!  This dream encompasses blood, sweat and tears (SO many tears)—how can I relinquish it from my grasp?  Yet what if I do?  What if I abandon the useless shards and allow God to rework them into a new dream, a better dream, a dream worthy of display in any gallery?  For as many tears as I shed over my broken, imperfect dream, Jesus weeps more as he cleans up the mess and repurposes the remains.  How can I settle for my limited, close-up perspective when God can envision the whole picture and every broken piece that is needed to complete it?

Jesus, would you weep with me while you gather up these pieces and use them for your grand mosaic?

Purpose Makes a Decision

Purpose and I met this evening to discuss what we were both reading in the book of James.  After our discussion, she said, “Are you ready?”  I looked at her and asked, “What do you mean am I ready—you’re the one who needs to be ready!”  To which she replied, “Let’s do this”. 

Tonight, the angels are rejoicing in Heaven.  Tonight, I led someone in prayer for the first time.  Tonight, Purpose prayed to accept Christ into her life.

The world will never be the same!

The Summiting Process

As I contemplate this blog entry, I am being serenaded by Peggy Wood (“Climb Ev’ry Mountain” from the musical “The Sound of Music”).  I find this song fitting after a Skype conversation with my mother tonight (As a side-note, I don’t know what it is about talks with mom, but I always come away feeling better and having a deeper understanding of life and God.  I am incredibly blessed by my mom, and I’m excited to be able to tell her that in person this coming Mother’s Day.). 

This conversation led to a “Life’s a lot like that” moment involving my plans to become a nun and the process of climbing Mount Everest.  I was lamenting my anxiety about my future—ever since my Skype interview with a school in Colorado I’ve been over-thinking my future.  If I get the job I will most likely be working with an age-group I haven’t taught since college, and I’m feeling burned out as a teacher after this year in Mexico.  However, if I don’t get the job, it’s like a rejection of a marriage proposal after a four-year courtship (because I worked at this same school for four years before my jaunt in Mexico); well maybe not that dramatic, but I’m a hormonal woman and I jump to illogical conclusions often.  Somehow this conversation moved to a discussion about how maybe life is as hard as it’s going to get, to which I drew the conclusion that life is NOT as hard as it will get, but it’s also not as good as it’s going to get either. 

Thinking about the struggles that are sure to come makes me want to stock up on books and chocolate and find a hole somewhere in which to spend the remainder of my life.  I told my mom that maybe I should convert to Catholicism and become a nun—hiding away in a nunnery sounds better than facing these “mountains” in my life.  And because my brain does not work like a normal person’s, I began thinking about the process of climbing Mount Everest.  Thanks to teaching the novel Peak by Roland Smith, I learned a lot about how someone summits the highest mountain in the world (well, second to Mount Kilimanjaro, but that’s technically because of the bulging of the Equator and not actual altitude above sea-level and so doesn’t really count…).  Climbing Mount Everest requires training.  First you start by summiting smaller hills and continuing to work your way up to bigger and bigger mountains.  The problem with bigger mountains is that they have deeper valleys (but that’s another blog entry entirely…).  Then, when you are ready to attempt the Big One, you can’t just set out and hike straight to the top from sea level—you have to acclimate.  There is not enough oxygen at the top of the mountain to sustain life—if you stay up there too long, you will starve your brain of oxygen.  Climbers must start at basecamp (which has an elevation of 5,380 m (17,700 ft) for the Southeast Ridge approach) for several weeks and then hike up to several of the “camps”, stay a night or two, and then hike back down to lower camps.  This process can be disheartening.  It is counterintuitive to hike down when your goal is up.  But this series of camps helps your body to acclimate and produce the needed red blood cells to make the final summit possible.  Without this process (and the blessing of good weather), you can’t make it to the top. 

Life is a lot like this.  At this stage in my life, I feel like I’m heading back to base camp—the opposite direction from where I think I should be heading.  I want to summit and experience the rush that comes with the amazing sense of accomplishment and the breath-taking view.  But I know that God is helping me acclimate; He’s preparing me for the summit, and I just have to be patient and stick with the process.  If I try to rush to the top, I won’t make it.  If I will just listen to my Guide and follow His process, I will reach the summit, weather permitting.