Foolishness and Anger

Tonight I Skyped with my parents.  We talked about Kenya, friends, life and death, the future and everything in between.  My mom shared this verse with me that she discussed in her Bible study this week:  "People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord" (Proverbs 19:3).

How many times have I been angry with God because of decisions I made that led to disaster?  More times than I’d like to admit on the World Wide Web, or even to my closest friends.  When calamity hits my life, I immediately search for something or someone to blame.  Examining myself and my actions becomes my last resort if I even attempt it.  Holding others responsible, especially God, captures my utmost attention and demands my efforts.  Yet Paul commands in 2 Corinthians 13:5, “Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine.  Test yourselves.  Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith.”  I would much rather focus on the faults of others than look at mine. 

God gave me the freedom of will and choice.  When I make a choice that ends badly, it is because of my choice.  My struggle with Mexico earlier this school year was not because God is sadistic and likes to see me suffer; my struggle came from my choice to disconnect from people and community and engage with self-pity.  Was I mad at God because of my situation?  Yes.  I blamed God for bringing me to Mexico, for allowing horrible things to happen, and then for abandoning me.  All of this I realize (in hindsight, of course) was my own foolishness.  I was choosing to ruin my life through my attitude, and I was angry with God because of it.

I hope this lesson “sticks” this time!

Showing Mercy

This morning I was listening to a sermon from the church I attended when I lived in Colorado Springs, and the topic of the sermon was “Dealing with Doubt”.  One of the passages Pastor Matt Heard referenced was Jude verse 22: “And you must show mercy to those whose faith is wavering” (NLT). 

In every stage of life, in every realm of belief, in every person’s life, doubt pervades.  So why then, church, do we stiff-hand believers when they express doubt about certain aspects of their faith?  I think this is one of the reasons I struggle with churches.  In a world full of doubt and uncertainty, Jesus offers mercy and answers.  Why don’t more churches follow His lead?  Judgment abounds in many churches which causes the members to internalize their doubts instead of openly sharing their thoughts and seeking real answers.  Now this isn’t to say that every church is like this—just like in the rest of life, speaking in generalities does not hit every one of its aspects.  I believe we as Christians, the church, need to be set apart from the world in our thoughts and actions, but why does this separation so often reveal itself in the form of judgment?  When doubts are expressed, many “Believers” respond with:  “How can you doubt God?  How can you say prayer is useless? How can you say a “loving God” wouldn’t allow such pain?  You just need to trust God more.”  Sometimes we just need someone to come along side and encourage us when we are struggling, not tell us there is something wrong with us.  We need to be open and honest with others, sharing our struggles, not stuffing them down for fear of judgment.  My doubts do not make me any less of a follower of Christ; in fact it is through my doubts that I gain a deeper understanding of Who Christ is.  This does not mean we do not hold each other accountable for our sins.  Jude goes on to say in verse 23, “Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgment.  Show mercy to still others, but do so with great caution, hating the sins that contaminate their lives.”  In showing mercy to doubters, we must ultimately help guide them back to God’s truth.

In other news, it has been raining in Queretaro for the past three weeks—COMPLETELY bizarre for this time of year I’m told.  I have been enjoying this “blessing” immensely as it reminds me of the weather back home in Washington.  All this moisture has caused the main door into my apartment to swell, making me feel like a SWAT team leader ramming my shoulder into the door to gain entry.  This rainy, cold weather has also lead to an increase in colds and flus, making my class sizes smaller and my work-load of getting students caught up larger.  I have caught my second cold since returning to Mexico in January, I managed to throw my neck out on Thursday (but thanks to the power of prayer, it is much better), and now I am having spasms in my lower back.  Yet in the midst of these minor difficulties, God is good.  I am almost entirely caught up on my grading, I’ve been able to read a lot this weekend and ponder some interesting areas of my life, and I got to chat with one of my sisters via Skype yesterday.  Dios es bueno todo el tiempo (God is good all of the time)—sometimes we just have to look a little harder to see this truth!

Whistling Donkey

Today as I was working with another teacher, she said, “Wow, I’m like the whistling donkey.”  To which I replied, “What?” and laughed hysterically.  She said, “No, it’s a real saying.”  I asked her if there was a story behind her saying, and this is what she told me:  “Once there was this farmer who had a donkey.  The donkey made really annoying noises, you know ‘Eeee-aaaaaw’, and the farmer didn’t want to hear it.  So he put a whistle in the donkey’s mouth so the donkey would suck on that instead of making the annoying noise.  One day, the donkey actually blew into the whistle and it made noise, so the farmer took his donkey and put it on a stage in front of people, thinking the donkey would blow the whistle again and the farmer would be famous, but the donkey just sucked on the whistle.  So the saying means anytime you do something good or cool without meaning to it’s like the whistling donkey.”  And she also told me I should pass this story along to my parents or put it in my blog, so here it is!  What a relief to have something to blog about!

I truly feel fortunate this semester to be where I am.  I’m still struggling with decisions that are made at my school and how people are treated there, and also typical teacher/student matters, but I’m grateful.  I feel like I’m contributing to something bigger than myself (my reason for wanting to come to Mexico in the first place), but it is different than how I thought it would be.  Instead of bring my knowledge of IB and the MYP to this school and making a huge impact throughout the whole building, I find that I am making smaller impressions in individual people.  And now that I’ve finally gotten over myself and am adjusting to the groove of this culture, I am trying to be more intentional about these individuals.  Simple acts such as sending an encouraging email to a struggling teacher, sharing resources and experiences with others, and finding time to sit down and chat with people in the midst of a hectic schedule all go a lot further than sharing everything I know about IB. 

Jesus came to earth to save everyone which he accomplished by dying on the cross, but while he was alive, he invested in the lives of a small group of people to encourage and teach them.  When I stand before God to be judged on my life and actions, I don’t think God is going to say, “tsk, tsk, why didn’t you impart your knowledge and experience of IB to JFK?”  I think God is going to be asking, “Did you love my people in Mexico?  Did you encourage and help them?  Did you weep and pray over them as I did, and did you tell them about Me?”  God is reminding me anew that my job as a teacher has very little to do with teaching curriculum and standards and has EVERYTHING to do with loving His children.  The standards and content are important too, especially if I want to keep my job, but I have a bigger purpose.

So that whole, “I want to be part of something bigger than myself” thing I was spouting off prior to coming to Mexico, I think I’ve found it, but it has nothing to do with teaching in Mexico and everything to do with God.

Shaping Character and Attitude

God’s provision is an intricate thing.  In many ways, it’s obscure and difficult to navigate, but in other ways it’s dumbfounding in its simplicity.  I still have not grasped the true reason for my journey to Queretaro, but I’m believing more and more that it’s less and less about the actual students.  Oh sure, I’m still trying to make a positive impact on these students in hopes for a better future, but there is something bigger going on.  For starters, my life is radically changing, and I think for the better.  God is shaping my character and my attitude, and stripping me of my dependence on things other than Him.

This second semester is already so different from first semester.  My circumstances haven’t changed so much as my attitude towards them.  My students are still crazy, the administration is crazier still, and my Spanish still isn’t where I’d like it to be, but I have perspective on all these things.  These circumstances are not my problem—the fact that I’ve been focusing solely on myself has been the problem.  I have been making myself miserable by wallowing in self-pity.  No, Mexico is not what I thought it would be, and neither is my life for that matter, but this is only a small piece of a grand plan.  I have been learning that the farther I push outside of myself and focus on others, the better my attitude becomes.  God is revealing a small glimpse at that grand plan, and I want be a part of it instead of just watching it happen.

Great things that have resulted from this revelation: I’m not stressed about my lesson planning even when I have to modify the same lesson four different times because it totally bombed; pushing past myself has allowed me to get to know some other people and build friendships with some of the National teachers—I actually like I have friends now!  I am pouring into people, and as a result, they are pouring back into me.  I am rediscovering how much I enjoy getting to know people on a personal level.  I am becoming more what God wants me to be—His hands and feet.

Lesson learned (or still in the process of being learned anyways): when life is at its bleakest and I am consumed with my problems, I need to do something nice for someone else and get the focus off of myself.  God will do the rest.