God has been working on my heart in a serious way this past
year. Starting with a complete
break-down of everything I have built myself to be, God has since been
rebuilding a better version (well, at least I hope it’s a better
version!). Attending the School of
Spiritual Direction (SSD) with Larry Crabb has played a big part in reshaping my
theology and understanding of my purpose on this earth. I am slowly beginning to grasp what it means
to “live for His Glory”, and that’s through authentic relationships with God
and with others. I must say it’s a lot easier to engage in
conversations that matter with people who are in a space (such as SSD) designed
to facilitate such encounters, but I’ve seen a glimpse of what relationships
can be like and I am encouraged to continue pursuing them in “the real world”.
I’ve been fluctuating between great excitement and extreme
dread the past few months. I go through
thoughts about how I can be a relational vessel to the children and the staff
at the orphanage, and how I can really help there, and then I have fears about
getting malaria or bitten by a black mamba, or the worst fear of all—God will
call me to this orphanage in Kenya FULL TIME!
Most of my excitement focuses on the kids. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around all of
the little black bodies I met last April, and the new ones I haven’t met. I am overjoyed to begin working with Teddy
and the other severe needs kids on communicating (thanks to my friend Shannon
for instilling the belief that I can help in this area with her and others as
resources back in the States). I am
anticipating helping in the kitchen and building relationships with the cooks
while humbly serving the children. I am
grateful to be in a Christian environment with others who share the same
beliefs as I. This is my great
excitement.
And then some doubts creep up. I don’t know about you, but when I think of Missionaries,
I think of people who feel a strong “calling” to go to another country and
speak the Gospel; they are fearless people eager to go where God tells
them. None of that fits me. I didn’t hear an audible voice telling me to
go to Kenya—God just shut all the other doors of options for me. Yes, I love the kids at the orphanage and the
people who run it, but I don’t feel
like I belong there. I don’t have an
overabundant urge to witness to the heathens—I just want to love people. I am full of fear and doubts, but I am
willing to go where I believe God is leading—not eager, just willing. But what have I to offer? As all the money needed to get me to Kenya
and pay for my basic needs worth it?
What can I give to the people there that someone else more qualified can’t
give in my stead and in a mightier way? And
what if God’s leading results in another year like my time in Mexico? Thinking about having another few years like
last year is terrifying. I don’t feel
capable of surviving those struggles let alone flourishing in the midst of
those trials. Yet I know that God can
and will use my inadequacy. I’m coming
to realize that God wants to use my weaknesses more than my strengths because
then He gets all the glory—it’s nothing I have to offer besides my heart and my
willingness. I choose to trust God’s
plans for me because of his promise in Jeremiah 29:11.
God is merciful, and in my times of greatest doubt, He
brings much needed encouragement and a reminder that He is directing my path and
I can rest in that. Despite not working
much the past few months, God is providing everything I need for my trip. I am overwhelmed at the support of family, friends,
and people I don’t even know who have donated money for my trip. My room and board (I will be living and
eating on-sight with the kids) is paid for, and I have purchased a 32GB iPad 3
with the funds provided from your donations to be used with the special needs
kids and the kids.
Through all of you, God has affirmed my decision to work at
Rehema In Step Orphanage in Kitale, Kenya, at least for three months to
start. Words can never fully express my
thanks, and so I will try to upload photos of the children, my work with the
special needs kiddos, and just life at the orphanage so you can see what I am
doing in addition to blogging. I covet
your prayers for safe travels, safety while there, and God’s continued
direction and leading while I am there—is this something God wants me to be a
part of long term?
General itinerary for those of you interested:
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Leave SEATAC 1:15pm 1/6/13
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Two hour layover in Amsterdam
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Arrive in Nairobi 8:25pm 1/7/13—
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Catch a flight the next morning to Kitale (or
Eldoret, a town nearby) and drive to children’s home
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Total travel time is about two full days
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