Final Evaluation

Today I was measured and found wanting.  Unfortunately this is metaphorically speaking and not literally.  And as much as I would like to blame the “scale” that was used, ultimately I know that is truth in the results.  Today I was given my final teacher evaluation, and in the past I have met or surpassed every category; this year I was marked “working towards” in almost every one.  I could rejoice in the fact that I am not categorized as “not meeting”; I could rail against the school and lack of support to succeed; I could blame the cultural differences for my low marks.  All of these responses appear to be appropriate, but I know that my performance this year was the worst of my teaching career, including my student teaching experiences.  I say this because I gave up this year; I allowed my circumstances to defeat me, and for that I am ashamed.  Yet, like all great stories, my journey does not end here.  God is able to redeem this defeat and use it for His glory.

As mentioned in a previous blog, over the past several years I have found my success and identity in being a teacher—it’s something I’ve always been good at.  Through hard work, determination, and a fiercely independent spirit, I have built a reputation as a capable teacher and professional.  This persona left little room for God to work.  That’s not to say that I was a bad person or bad Christian—I really believed I was using my talent for God, and I do believe He gained glory in much of my work.  The problem (as I see it now) was that I didn’t need God’s help.  If I had a problem I would figure it out on my own or consult other teachers/administrators to help.  I would ask people to pray for me but I wouldn’t pray myself; I was dependent on people but independent from God. 

This year teaching Mexico has been the opposite.  I have experienced little to no success in the classroom or in the professional realm.  My “expertise” has been useless.  I cannot be dependent on others but only on God.  Through my failure this year, God humbled me and revealed that He can take away talents just as easily as give them.  Through my brokenness this year, God directed me and evoked a new passion and vision for life that centers around His will.  Through my surrender, God will use all of my experiences for His good to further His plan.  Had I never come to Mexico, I would have been comfortable and unchanging, but I never would have developed a passion for Kenya.  Without all of the struggles this year, my character and perspective would have remained unchanged, and I could not delve into this new-found passion that is driving me closer to God.

Yes, I am disappointed with many (most) or my actions this year, but I cannot dwell on the past.  As Paul says, “…I focus on this one thing:  Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling [me]” (Philippians 3:13-14).  I don’t think God is concerned with my past or who I was; I think He is concerned with my future and who I will be.  So that’s what I’m going to focus on too.