Tangled Emotions

As Kenya draws closer (in my mind, not geographically, unless you believe in the Pangea Ultima theory), I find my emotions are becoming more tangled.  I am excited to meet all of the incredible people obeying God’s calling in their lives to love and care for those who have been discarded and despised.  I am excited to see the place that has captured the hearts of my parents.  I am excited to be a part of something so vastly different than anything I’ve experienced in my life before this point.  Yet in the midst of all this excitement I find a nervousness.  Since coming to Mexico, God has been showing me many things about myself that I do not like; things I need to surrender to Him and allow to be eradicated from my life.  I feel like God has been stretching me thin, transparently thin in an effort to break my will and mold me to be more like Him.  This process is extremely painful and disruptive to what I want for me.  I am afraid of what God will show me in Kenya.  What if God asks me to surrender my life of comfort once more to live in Kenya?  What if God gives me the job I want in Colorado Springs but asks me to sacrifice it for the sake of God and for the Gospel (Mark 10:29)?  What if I have to choose between what is known and what is unknown?  Everything within me that is human screams, “Don’t take any more adventures; you went to Mexico, that should be enough.  You’ve done your time, now you need to focus on you and what you want.”  But I know God has not called me to a life of comfort. 

I distinctly remember asking God to disrupt my life so that I would see nothing but Him.  Well, God certainly answered this prayer a lot quicker than others I’ve prayed…  I am truly thankful for all of the experiences I’ve had this past year, and I wouldn’t trade them for my old life, but I am weary of this life of toil.  Despite this weariness, I keep coming back to Luke 14:26-27, “Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of father, mother, spouse, children, brothers, sisters—yes, even one's own self!—can't be my disciple. Anyone who won't shoulder his own cross and follow behind me can't be my disciple” (The Message).  My family remains a priority in my life, and I love and miss them dearly, but God wants to be first and foremost in my life.  If He calls me to move away from them, I need to trust Him and obey.  If God wants to strip me of all I hold dear, including myself, I need to say, “Yes Sir”, and endure it. 

And even though I have great confidence in my God and his plans for my life, all of these thoughts still make me a bit anxious.  As I was chatting with my parents and my friend Stephanie on Skype this weekend, I was reminded of the things I left behind when I came to Mexico.  I miss my family and friends.  I miss my kitty, Gabby.  I miss my bed, my motorcycle, my car, my Willow Tree figurines, my books, and everything else that made up my life B.M. (Before Mexico, not to be confused with Bowel Movement…).  I know it sounds petty and selfish, and very un-Disciple or un-Missionary-like, but it’s the truth.  As my friend Stephanie told me though, “At least you’re choosing to follow God and obey”—that’s what I’m holding onto.