Drenched Trust

While I pride myself in my use of vocabulary and eloquence of writing, there is no other way to say this: being a girl sucks sometimes.  I am fully cognizant that women were/are made in the image of God, but did we have to get all of His emotions?  In the midst of blurred vision and blubbering sobs, my mind traverses a tricky course full of dark allies and ridiculous detours.  In the past hour I have raised many questions to God and received one answer: “All that has been in my life up to now/ It belongs to You/ You are still holy.”

Kim Hill’s song, “You Are Still Holy” continues to break down my preconceived notions of life.  Life is not about me or my abilities (or lack-there-of).  My triumphs, my fiascoes, and everything in between belong to God.  The weight of the world does not rest in my incapable and unqualified hands, no matter how much I feel like it does.  God is bigger than my failed lesson plans, bigger than my raging hormones, and bigger than my out-of-control acne. 

The specific cause(s) of this most recent explosion of emotion can be traced to three stimuli: 1) epic lesson plan failure, 2) being a woman, and 3) lack of time with God.  Reliving the failed lesson plan may bring about nightmares, being a woman is explanatory enough (especially for my male audience members), but I’ll elaborate upon the third stimulus.  By the time I return home, I’m done for the day except to check FB, email, and stream Alias (I’m on episode 8 of season 4…).  Mornings and I do not get along, and all of my “planning time” at school dissipates without my realization of where it goes (my speculation is that it somehow correlates with the water cycle and returns to the sky, but I digress).  So when I do I find time to meet with God?  I usually don’t.  The days I do find time to read my Bible I find it difficult to focus or there is some kind of catastrophe later in the day that negates any lesson learned from the reading.  My conversations with others about God and/or what I’m learning are non-existent.  This is a huge area of concern and one for which I desperately need prayer.  As strong a person as people perceive me to be, I am incapable of handling everything on my own, let alone the plethora of changes around which my mind is currently trying to wrap itself. 

In the midst of my many questions and self-doubt, I cling to the fact that God has brought me this far; if He wanted to get rid of me I think he would have done it a long time ago and saved Himself much trouble.  The good, the bad, and the ugly (of which I am currently occupying the latter) belong to God, and I trust His plan.  My trust is just sometimes drenched in tears.